Hello, I am Ruta Ka.
And I am Friederike Peters.
And together we are:
Friederike Peters and Ruta Ka.
Welcome! Welcome!
So, last time, something came up
concerning the topic of self-expression.
And how we choose to present ourselves in different situations
and Ruta had idea to make this the topic of this video.
So, yeah, maybe you can share something about that idea.
Yeah, so basically, the situation was, probably quite
familiar to many people.
I think we were talking about something around pictures.
You know, when you have either professional pictures or a picture that looks really good
and then you kind of either post it somewhere, or you have a picture and you
show it to someone. And then you hear this comment:
Oh yeah, it looks really good! But, it doesn't look like you.
Or: Oh, Wow! Hm, it doesn't.. I don't recognize you. It doesn't look like you.
And, basically, what happens - at least with me -
when I hear that, I'm like: So, are you saying, that in the normal life, usually I don't look that good?
Which is true. And I know this is true.
But also, another thing, which I think you said.
It was a very good thing to say. It's
'Well, this is a picture of mine, so... It is me!'
Yeah, exactly!
Yeah, after all, I think we have all different sides of ourselves.
And many sides that we don't get to show in our everyday lives,
depending on what our job is, right?
It might be something more or less creative, but still
.. I don't know, maybe there's someone who's the most
normal, white collar worker,
and
likes to dress up in heels and put make-up on and
have beautiful pictures taken of him.
And
this is an extreme example, but it's still him. It's still the same person.
And it's just a side of him that he doesn't share with a lot of people.
Yeah, I think the reason why we wanted to
probably talk about this, is:
It is interesting how
people who know you and they are either your friends or collagues or
coworkers or family.. They know you and they see you, for example,
in everyday life. You know, what you like to wear,
how you like to do your hair, the colors you use, the shoes you wear...
And then, when you do something out of the pattern
they seem to think it's not you.
Which is kind of understandable, because
probably people around you don't associate you with
that type of either looks or behavior.
But
that kind of feels like
you almost.. or, at least it makes me feel
when I hear those comments, it's like "So what are you trying to do? You're not like that!"
But I do like to feel - I can be like that. And, you know, for me it's a form of self-expression also.
Even when you do a photo session and you have different
styles of outfit, or different styles of
hairdo. And then you can say: "Okay, I can have this
playful look, or I can have this super-elegant look.
Or, I could
look very natural with messy hair, you know, that kind of style.
Or I can have something super-refined, you know, with
enhanced make-up, eyeliner, things like that. So,
I guess, what I would like to..
The idea that I would like to spread is:
It's like.. you know..
OK to have different sides of you and
it would be also good, if everybody could accept
you, even if you don't look like you.
Maybe it is even my own insecurity sometimes. I would think
'Did I really look that good in that picture? Was it really me?'
And then, when somebody else comes and they ask:
'Is it really you in that picture?' I'm like hmmm
I don't know myself, because it looks very good.... :)
That kind of experience.
So, I don't know, did you have anything like that happening to you?
What frustrates you about this, I would like to know.
I guess what frustrates me is
advice that comes along with comments like this.
So, it's totally okay if somebody says
'Oh, well that doesn't look like you' or 'Well, that's unusual.'
Because, yeah, maybe it is. Maybe in my normal life, I don't put full make-up on.
And I don't get to wear elegant things all the time, or sexy things,
or whatever. We have a kind of personal style that suits our life.
But what I really dislike, is when people then say:
'Oh, you know, you should consider maybe doing this kind of lipstick'
or.. 'This is not really natural, this should be different.'
Cause it's one thing to say it's different
and it's another thing to say: 'You have to change it'
Like... why? :)
I was, as a singer, making a
video calendar of advent, what we do in Germany, where we
open a little gift every day leading up to Christmas Eve.
I created this with songs.
So almost every day, I posted a new Christmas song recording I had recorded at home.
And of course, for that, I always put make-up on, or maybe I put a little Christmas hat on..
And... I don't know... Some people were like "Oh, you know,
your make-up is too much and this-and-that...
And I'm like 'You know, just leave me alone..' Because
maybe it's more than usual, but I like it that way.
The part where I get, I guess, really kind of frustrated or furious, is
thinking that I should be fitting in some sort of frame.
So, let's say, once I establish my style
I'm not allowed to deviate from that.
What is this? Why am I not allowed to deviate?
Today, I like red. And.. Tomorrow I like black.
And next day, I wanna have a floral dress.
So, I think it's probably lots of that frustration comes
not so much from external, but probably from the internal.
Where... back in the days... I don't know if you had uniforms in your school?
No, okay. Well, we didn't really have a full uniform all the time,
but we had jackets that we had to wear, or certain
colored trousers that we needed to have
with that jacket. So it was kind of like
restrictive environment for self-expression.
Especially what you're gonna wear of how you're gonna look.
You know, earrings allowed - or that kind of earrings not allowed.
Make-up allowed or so much make-up is not allowed.
So, to me it's almost like:
The voices of the external are representing
the voices that I have internalized, back when I was not really allowed
to have my freedom to choose how I wanna look
and what I wanna wear.
So that's another thing that comes from that.
Yeah, I feel like that's totally something to examine.
If the comments or the criticism that you get from the outside
make you angry, or
uncomfortable in a way, it probably reflects
something within yourself that's also not sure.
'Cause usually, when you wear things
with an attitude of 'this is me!'
then, people may act surprised, but they're gonna keep their mouths shut.
Or they're actually gonna admire it.
But if you wear something, or do something
it doesn't have to be just clothes and make-up
and it comes from an insecurity
or there is insecurity anyway,
then, it's very likely that you'll have that reflected in other people.
When I started making videos,
because I do post videos every once in a while on my facebook page,
some people told me "Well this doesn't sound like you.
It's inauthentic..." And I'm like:
Wait a minute, but if we're having a
friendship conversation, one-on-one,
it is different than when I am talking to an audience
and I'm trying to explain something.
But, because this has triggered me, I examined it.
And I thought 'Well, maybe I'm putting myself
too much into the role of the teacher.
So, I think that through accepting that,
now, my approach to making these videos has changed.
And I do sometimes think of my audience as
my friends, because then I will choose different words.
Yeah, but at the same time, I feel
depending on who your audience is, or who you think your audience is,
you will automatically adjust your style
to be understandable and to be received.
I guess for those people who are around you and who know you very well,
and you don't need to adjust your style of communication or to be received,
it is kind of like
not really shocking side
to see, but it's kind of unexpected side to see.
And may look like a fake side to see.
And may feel like a facade, or some kind of
not authentic persona. But I think:
Even the personas that we create,
it's also parts - they are parts of us.
We create them for some kind of purpose.
And if, I think as long as we
don't pretend like "This is the totality of me. I'm always like this"
It's fine!
So, can I ask you a personal question?
Yes, ask me.
...Because, when we started with this,
I remember you saying:
"Well, I'm coming out of the closet now, because I'm still in a corporate job"
And what we are doing now, is something very unusual
for most of your current surroundings.
So how did you make peace with that?
Or are you still uncomfortable and how do you deal with that?
I made.. I kind of made peace with that.
I understand that there is some kind of..
a little bit still, I guess, insecurity about it.
Because, obviously, people who know me at my corporate job,
they kind of know me, but they don't really know-know me.
Not everybody... They just know one side of me.
And, I had a fear
what I call 'coming out of closet', but
the coming out of closet is,
is a completely different type of
career that I'm doing in there, than
what I'm speaking about here.
To have this judgment "But you're not like that", or
"How is she doing that?" "She's doing a job like that?"
You know "I never actually see her in that context"
I think it was also - again -
internal judgment that I had within myself.
But then I actually made peace with it, or as much as I could
make peace with it. I did so by thinking 'Okay,
there is a part of me like that
who I have been representing my corporate side.
It's the part of me I have been representing to
most people external for a really, really long time.
And this part, the spiritual, the intuitive, life coaching..
healing... This kind of part
It's always been part of me.
It's just that I have never been showing it to people externally.
So, I think I started slowly. You know, I found
some new friends who are more representative of this side
of me, which made me feel validated
and secure about expressing myself
as an intuitive person.
This gave me strong hold or kind of a supporting structure
to not be afraid to express myself like that.
And then gradually, as I felt that I had support from that side,
I started to feel a bit calmer
about presenting myself within the corporate context about doing this.
So that tactics, at the moment, that I'm using is:
So I do this, you know, the coaching the healing work..
I'm doing it at my days when I'm not working,
or most of the days I'm not working at my corporate job.
And at my corporate job, I do my corporate job.
I don't talk too much about this. But if anybody asks, I don't really
pretend or lie, but I don't really advertise, because I understand
that the public, or the demographics that are interested
in this kind of healing modalities and alternative ways of thinking,
it's not there. It's probably not the majority of people in there.
So, I kind of made peace with understanding that
it's okay to not be fully understood on that side.
And it's okay not to fully express myself on that side
and I'm gonna have a different avenue.
I'm creating myself a different avenue to express myself on this side.
...which seems to be working fine!
I would always encourage people to
let these other hidden parts of themselves trickle through. 'Cause I've made the experience quite a few times, where
months after what seemed like a random conversation to me,
a person was writing me:
"You know, you don't know what you did for me,
because now, I changed my life and
I'm doing this-and-this-and-this
because you pointed that out."
'Really, did I?!
Wait a minute, you didn't even have a session with me!'
But.. just colleagues from normal jobs or from the artist world, who
start to be interested
in these kinds of topics.
Yeah.
I think, trickling down effect kind of
comes naturally as you become more comfortable with yourself.
Because, then, I feel like
I experience a process of that happening
to me. I'm still in a process of that happening to me.
But, you kind of naturally stop censoring yourself that much.
And you naturally start to kind of
feel okay to express your true ideas rather than just...
yeah, we're not talking only about
the looks, not only about what you wear, but things that you speak.
Things that you value. Things that you choose.
So, it becomes a kind of trickle down effect,
butterfly effect.
Did you have... I'm curious about...
your friends and family
who knew you since you were very little.
Were they surprised about your
changes in behavior or some choices that you made?
Yes. Everyone was very surprised after I graduated from high school.
Because I had been going straight As all my life,
graduated as the best of my class.
And everyone was expecting me to study law, or psychology, or some kind of diplomacy, right?
And it wasn't like I was never interested in these things.
I mean, I was never interested in law, let's admit that.
..But..
After high school, I basically didn't know what to do with my life.
I remember sitting there, having printed out pages
pages and pages and pages of university programs
from international business, international communications,
psychology, communication and sociology and.. musical theater
You know, all these these things all over the place
with all these possibilities
and I just freaked out and I'm like "I can't do this."
And from there, I completely interrupted my life in a way.
Or the life that everybody thought I would live -
which would be, probably, being some kind of Junior Professor somewhere.
And it's awkward too, because you know, sometimes I wonder:
Couldn't I have made it a little bit easier for myself?
Since then, I've done so many things so differently
that now, people are like "Yeah, she's just doing her thing."
What would surprise people now, if I were to decide:
You know what, I'm gonna get a 9-5 job now.
That would be a really big surprise now.
Yeah, actually, I feel like what's happening
with the people, or also in my environment, what's happening:
So I guess, the first few times when I communicated my crazy ideas
they're like: 'Ok, we're very supportive.'
Okay, yes. You go and you do it. You need to do it and you go and you do it.
And I'm like 'Ok, I'm gonna go and do it.'
Next time, I communicated my crazy ideas, they're like:
'Hm, yeah, if you really feel like you should do it, you go and you do it."
Next time, another crazy idea, then another crazy idea,
and at some point, people... I feel what starts to happen with self-expression:
As you keep on doing brave things. And you keep on
making bold choices and you keep on expression yourself
in the most unexpected ways,
or shall we say
you choose to express yourself in ways that feel good for you, rather than
you would assess 'oh, that's what people would expect from me' or
'that's what I should do according to my mom and dad or society's expectations' ...
You basically receive that get-out-of-jail free card, which means
'She's doing crazy things all the time.
We cannot really predict her behavior.
We cannot really predict her choices.
So, probably we could leave her alone.'
I actually find I have gained lots of personal freedom.
Even my self-judgment has reduced a lot
by doing, kind of,
unexpected things, or things that people probably say:
This is not like you!
You know 'This is not like you'.
So everything that you do, just, not like you
I believe it actually broadens
the concept of you.
The moral of the story?
Do the things that people say: "This is not like you."
I mean, I would say always listen in and see if it triggers you
in a way and then find out if
what that reflects.
Because there may be things, where it's actually true.
Where you're like:
You know what, they're right.
'Cause sometimes your friends do know you well.
But.. You know.. Also try things out.
Also I think, sometimes friends
They think they know you well,
but there is a little corner
at the back of your mind, which they didn't get to know.
And they're like 'Oh, this is not like you.'
And you're thinking to yourself:
But I've been thinking about it for the last eight years...
I just didn't communicate, right?
It is kind of like me. It's just that you guys didn't know this is like me.
So yeah, I do agree with you.
Sometimes, also, it's like:
You may think that you wanna do some things,
but actually, it does not truly resonate with you.
So, if anyone wants to find out
whether something resonates with them or not,
or how they can express themselves better,
they can contact you, or me!
We help. We are very helpful people! :D
Enjoy expressing yourself in the most unexpected ways
for the week and the months to come!
- and tell me about it.
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