how to stop taking things personally when others say something offensive to
us we cannot completely agree with what people say all the time and today I'm
going to give you the exact reason why we start thinking this way why we take
things personally and how to break out of this dysfunctional pattern to develop
a healthy thing in pattern and function like a champion in all areas of your
life you get offended easily you take things to heart you do all of this
primarily because you have been brought up in a culture of honor your self-worth
is determined not by yourself but what the other people say who stand
around you that's important to consider because when we look at this how we feel
when other people tell us something that offends us we have two options we either
react or we respond when we react we take things personally we get into a
situation where hey this person has offended me now it's up to me to defend
my honor to react to the situation by somehow fighting by throwing words
cussing at this person by throwing punches looking to kill that person
that's how you react where the emotional experience has taken over how you think
and feel and how you behave in this situation and it causes more problems
because the emotional arousal stays for a longer period of time this is why you
get angry and frustrated when someone offends you they have damaged your honor
this concept has been explained once again making a special appearance in
this channel is the book outliers by Malcolm Gladwell which talks about the
important concept of coming from a culture of Honor
there are two families in the south of the u.s. in the 1800s they have a family
feud going on and how does this Family Feud start off one family member
accidentally shoots another family member of the other family now this
family member says hey this person has soiled my honor now it's up to me to
react now I want to pay him back for what pain he has caused me now this may
be emotional pain it's maybe physical pain this may be something that has
damaged the person the self worth how does that person see himself I attach my
value to that honor this is how I have been raised that I need to defend myself
by fighting back so what is this person do goes and kills another couple of
family members here and it starts off a chain reaction this person goes and
kills another family member here another three died here five died eight died 29
until the entire valley is a chaos the entire valley is completely destroyed
all the people are dead and for what one accidental shooting where this person
damaged the honor of his family and now I need to pay that person back do you
see how being raised in a culture of Honor can change how you react when
someone offends you when someone says something against you or friends you
throws a cuss how do you take it do you stand for it do you react to it do you
respond to it that's where the key lies because when you react in a situation
like this it causes problems it's not so much the fact that that person has
offended you it's the belief that I should not stand for something
when someone offends me I shouldn't stand for it that's where it's coming
from you've been taught how to do it you've
been taught to come from a place of honor
you cannot soil my honor and get away with it you take it personally because
you have been taught to do it you are supposed to believe that by reacting in
this fashion by taking it personally or by either fighting back cussing at that
person I am somehow defending my honor think about that someone who is let's
say an Indian that person see someone who has not stood up for the national
anthem what is the perception here the perception isn't that you have offended
me by not standing up it's not that that person has offended me by not standing
up for the national anthem and singing it's the belief that I am an Indian I am
an Indian and this person is disrespecting what it means to be Indian
there it is that's where the problem lies that's why I take it personally
because my belief system allows me to think in that fashion that somehow if
this person doesn't stand up if this person stands up somehow they are
fulfilling what I have been taught to believe while going up do you see where
it comes from here reacting I can either scream at that person hey
stand up stand up and show respect for the national anthem
the self-respect the self-worth of being an Indian that is justified by forcing
this person to stand up and follow a certain belief system that I choose to
believe now it's that person's choice whether they want to actually stand up
and pay respect to the national anthem but I choose to force my beliefs upon
that person by getting irked Cheers another way of looking at it
I can also respond now Here I am emotionally emotionally earth I am
emotionally responding within seconds of that person not showing me respect
seconds within that person not standing up for the national anthem in showing
the country the due respect that it deserves here on the other hand you
think from a rational point of view hey maybe that person isn't from this
country hey this person may be sick hey this person may actually not want to
stand up maybe the person respects the country in different ways
maybe the person has different values maybe the person doesn't want to stand
up for his or her personal reasons maybe the person is physically disabled
there may be n number of reasons why the person chooses to react the way they do
but here we have an opportunity to respond how do we do that
if someone offends us take it through this year pull it out through the other
how strongly do you attach your value to the words that other people say and how
strongly do you attach value to what you think of yourself
your belief system and how do you defend yourself when someone dis magis Your
Honor your value how do you react that's the critical factor because if you
choose to Rea react in a way that is causing problems
we know that through the ventilation fallacy I've already made a video on
this on how we choose to react when we get angry we choose to react a certain
way because we believe that is the right thing to do it will make us feel better
but the emotional arousal the anger the frustration that we experience it
carries over it spreads to other situation and just like how it happened
with that family feud it gets transferred to other people's anger and
hate is very strong and we can easily teach other people how to it so if
that's the belief system that you are coming from think about how you should
respond in that situation is the way that I am reacting healthy for me is
taking things personally making me feel any better
why did that person say what they did what does it mean
does it actually afflict my self-worth does it actually really matter to me as
much as I am placing importance on it right now think about it like that all
of these questions can actually make you understand this problem from a much
clearer perspective because when you respond in this manner by asking
questions you choose to not take things personally as much you try to understand
it from the other person's perspective and you also can do this you remember
that most of the people make such comments these are the people whom we
will likely never meet again they are beyond our inner circle the two groups
of people our family our friends the people whom we hang around with the most
these are our inner circle our lifelong companions now outside of this inner
circle the people who might do not give priority are the people who typically
make these comments the people who can offend us and that can emotionally hurt
us because they have damaged our self-worth what do you do you choose to
ignore it walk away from the situation if you can or walk up to the person
confront them don't throw words at them don't say something that you may regret
or may damage that person's self-worth instead just tell them that hey you are
crossing a certain boundary here I value myself highly I choose not to stand for
this statement that you made make it specific so that you tell the other
person that hey I am NOT going to stand for this particular thing that you do
defend the statement don't defend the person defend the statement don't defend
the person because when we generalize that's when problems get created respond
in such a manner where you pinpoint the exact situation where that person
offended you in some way and tell that person how you would like
them to behave and if they still do not behave in a different way
you still somehow take things personally walk away from the situation walk away
there is no heart there are only two options there either stand and defend
yourself definitely not reacting to the situation
but responding in a way that allows us to function in a healthy way anger
doesn't really help anger when controlled becomes a much healthier
emotion versus when it is totally out of control anger and aggression can
dominate our thinking process and can easily get transferred to how we think
and feel as well as how other people think think and feel when they are
around us so keep that in mind if you want to take things personally remember
what it is doing to you it's not good it's not healthy there are a multitude
of other ways that you can go about dealing with the process if you allow
yourself to choose what you want give yourself a choice remember that you have
an option of responding not reacting when you respond you allow yourself to
come from a rational school of thinking where you ask yourself questions you
come to a realization that hey I don't have to think this way there are much
better ways for me to think about myself it's not an easy process but it's a
habit you choose to develop ask yourself questions regularly and come to unknown
and understanding that hey I don't have to do this to myself there
is always a better way of reacting to the situation I am going to give myself
that choice that's what I want for myself and that is what I am going to do
if the strategy works out for you comment down below and tell me exactly
what you did and how it brought you out of this situation how did it make you
react in different circumstances and how are you going to go about using these
strategies I want to know comment down below if you found this video useful
make sure you leave it a thumbs up and tell me down again in the comments what
you want to see in future videos because we are dedicated on this channel to
making you the best version of yourself each and every day by having you
motivated empowered and performing better in all areas of your life I am
dedicated to that let me coach you let me show you the way on how you can
transform your mind and your thought process to actually function like a
champion in all areas of your life to become the best version of yourself
subscribe right now hit bail notifications and of course remember
that there are a whole bunch of videos plethora of videos over 100 videos today
which will be over a thousand tomorrow dedicated to you all that free
information is down below check them out because they are going to change her
life this is Vikram signing off asking you to calm down don't take it
personally and I'll see you in the next session
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