The Bank Let Her Check Bounce, So The Grandma Wrote This Letter.
Her Answer Is Brilliant!
This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year-old woman.
It was so amusing that the bank's manager decided to have it published in the New York
Times.
"Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, 3 nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement
which, I admit, has been in place for only 8 years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink
my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when
I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but
will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee
at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR
(*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1.
To make an appointment to see me #2.
To query a missing payment.
#3.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5.
To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6.
To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7.
To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned
earlier.
#8.
To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9.
To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10.
This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration
of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client And remember: Do not make old people mad.
We do not like being old in the first place, so it does not take much to piss us off."
What do you think ?
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