Art Direction: Taha Belal
Music: Maurice Louca
DOP: Mo Hammouda
Big Brother
(Dis)solving Education
After the resounding success of the last episode,
and the tremendous crowd responses (we all saw the ensuing hysteria)
I was obliged to keep my naive promise to you,
which is to continue this series in which we solve Egypt's problems.
Even though it's wasted on you, of course; None of you subscribe, or follow, or share
or any of that shit.
But what am I to do? Unfortunately, I love you, you mother****.
As zakat (alms) for my health and my car,
I'll tell you today how we'll solve the education problem.
In Egypt, the problem isn't that we have poor education.
It's that we have education in the first place.
Because if we didn't have education in Egypt,
we wouldn't have to discuss its problems, and, in turn, we wouldn't have to discuss education
and, in turn, we wouldn't feel that we have a problem. We'd live in bliss.
Education here is like you've got a sick dog at home.
It's been dying for 60 years, and you know it's dying. But you have to put up with it
so you can pretend you care about it, and for the sake of nostalgia, and blah blah blah.
The root of the problem is the same same same issue: Blindly imitating the West
and naïveté. France has schools, so we build schools. France has hospitals, so we build hospitals.
France has bread, so we turn all of Faisal Street into bakeries.
Has anyone asked themselves if we need any of this? Or are we just doing it because others do it?
Somebody answer me!
If I need to figure out whether or not I need something, what do I do?
I remove this thing from my life, and see whether it'll be affected or not.
Anyone listening to me now — you sir, for example, when was the last time you had sex?
You ma'am, when was the last time you had an or.. uh... gasm?
The 90s, let's say. And you're still perfectly fine.
You may have experienced tingling in the extremities, some mental health issues,
a bit of paranoia and repressed violence — a few side effects — but overall you're fine.
And so sex is a thing we don't need. We're doing just fine without it.
Same with education.
We've been complaining about the problems of education for hundreds of years.
Has anything happened?
Has it rained shit? No. Nothing at all.
We're producing revolutions, coups, pudding, Sham al-Nessim.
We're buying Kia Cerato cars, apartments, frameless sunglasses.
We're parting our hair on the side.
We're going on summer vacations, getting married, getting divorces, giving birth, traumatizing our children
and going on hajj. We're doing it all, completely unaffected by the education thing.
So why are we mentally trapped in this issue
and under the impression that we have a problem, when we may not have a problem
and we just think we have a problem, when we don't?
Actually, we do have a problem. And it's not the quality of education.
It's actually the philosophy of education and the logic behind receiving one.
Why am I even getting educated?
Now if I'm a nation state, my main goal is
to rule over the cattle we call citizens, and to control their lives in a way
that will ensure stability, from my point of view.
My point of view is right, as we all know. (I'm talking at you as Big Brother
and my opinion is not binding.)
So I want to reach this goal of mine.
And to reach this goal, my people should have the least amount of knowledge
and information possible. Why should they even have knowledge and information?
It's preferable that they don't. Why make them go to school? I'd be creating a paradox!
The opposite of what I want to achieve.
One of these idiots reads a book or two, sees a film or two,
and you'll find him draped in a scarf, and off to Downtown, chanting, "Down down with Helmy al-Namnam."
Then we have to to clean up afterward. We have to create elaborate and roundabout
schemes to herd the cattle back into the pin. Gas, electricity, Brotherhood, terrorism.
Why go to all this trouble? Jail writers, censor films, shutting down theaters,
shutting down art spaces, bans, seizures... Why do all of this,
when we'd be better off turning off the tap at its source, and be done with it?
Solving education will happen when we dissolve, or take apart, education.
Clear out the millions in aprons, set them loose in the fields and prairies.
Make them undress, harvest, or succeed. Pack them in factories, mills, workshops.
Make radios, baskets, handicrafts. Make use of this workforce you have.
These millions of kids running around playing and sweating and yelling in schools.
Use them in big, beneficial (or non-beneficial) national projects.
Save on electricity, labor, maintenance, wood.
On benches, on nails, on detergent.
You know how many millions are spent to mop those schools with detergent every day?
Take these buildings and make them into factories, police stations.
You can even make them into batteries.
We need a revolutionary administration to lead an uprising against education.
We need it, we're capable and we can!
We have the people in our pockets. We can do anything with them.
The Egyptian people are now like a piece of marshmallow.
You wet them, they're cool with it. You dry them, they're cool with it.
You squash them, they're cool with it.
You can shape them into artworks. You can bring all the Egyptians, line them up.
"All Egyptians now hold your colleague's ear, and stand in a circle."
They'll stand. And do whatever you want.
Anything, no matter how revolutionary, bizarre or shocking.
Not that any of it is revolutionary, bizarre or shocking.
We want to build our country, in a way that suits us.
Who invented education and why are we following their lead?
Or is it just about copying people?
Now this kid who you take to school will, sooner or later, find out about the level
of naiveté, of vaineté, of taivené,
the level of.. the level of shit you're presenting in these curricula
and will know that it's nonsense, and will steer clear of it.
He reads one of two things: Karl bloody Marx, or Sayed bloody Qutb.
Then we round them up, chase them from Horeyya cafe
to Istiqama Mosque. And from Istiqama Mosque to Horeyya cafe.
Who's paying for gas for all of this running around?
If this child doesn't know how to read or write in the first place,
books will be like foreign bodies. Like UFOs.
He'll steer clear of them on his own, thoughts to him will be disturbing things.
Talking in and of itself, and conversations and debates, will be a source of annoyance,
a headache. Like the English language.
Praise Allah, the more one looks into the grand history of our ancestors, the more he discovers
how genius they were, Praise Allah.
God grant mercy and light upon their souls.
Yes, they were infidels, sons of ***, but even so.
Mercy passes to the infidel, the dead and the bastard child.
Their way of dealing with this issue was very clever.
The hierogl, hierogogo, the helicopter language, helicopterific
the hierogl- I mean, the ancient Egyptian language, was only for priests and
Kings. They were the ones who needed to talk and understand, see what's going on.
You know, communicate. The rest were out in the streets in their underwear.
How can I grab you and hand you a rock, and tell you, "Build me this tomb,"
if you wanted to be a programmer? Programmers carrying rocks?
Like I said, our relationship with other countries is great, a hundred percent fine.
Nobody can pressure us, or grab us by...
Especially now with the administration of the president, his excellency,
President Trump in his house, the White House. As long as we're sticking to our duties,
fighting terrorism and supporting US and European interests in the Middle East,
we can do whatever we want. It's an open road.
We're the ones not taking advantage of opportunities.
On a local level, some smart ass will say, if you get rid of education,
who's going to treat the sick, or build hospitals?
So, how do we respond to this guy? Well, it depends on the setting
in which this statement is made.
If it's a family setting, and you're all sitting around the table,
slurping on some dessert, you go,
"It's a shame that an educated man like yourself would say something like this, Mr. Diaa!"
Then you take a deep drag on your cigarette, sit back and watch him squirm.
If the setting is at a cafe, any one of these lovely male-dominated gatherings,
You only have to look at the guy and say, "Your mother's ****."
And with that, we have reached the end of our beautiful episode.
I'm thanking you, of course, even though you don't subscribe or follow or share.
Despite that you have all my salutations, and appreciation.
God willing, if I'm in the mood, or if God wishes it,
we'll meet again next week, our next episode.
And another one of our beautiful problems.
Till we meet again.
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